Falling

This is just too rough. I’m sitting here, writing this with my eyes closed in hopes that somehow, someway, my heart will find peace again.

So far, since returning from visiting Bob for the holidays, I’ve felt completely lost. There were a couple conversations between Bob and I. But overall, I have not been able to really speak with him. I think maybe an hour in the last week.

I’m completely alone here. I have no family that gives a damn about me. The only family that seems to really truly love me and want to invest any time at all is Bob. Why that is, I don’t know.

I have so many unanswered questions. If I moved to be closer to Bob, would I survive on my own out there? Would I see Bob as often as I wanted to? What if I picked up my life and moved just to find out that Bob and my relationship is better off long distance?

I don’t know what the future is to bring but here, now, I feel stale, stagnant. I know that for me, Borderline Personality Disorder consists of a severe lack of object constancy (the ability to hold on to the feeling of love people have for you when they are not there). Is that what is causing me to feel like this?

I look all around me and I see examples of the ways I missed out as a child. I didn’t have the security of feeling loved. I didn’t have my parent’s bed to climb into when I was a kid when I had a bad dream. I didn’t have the security of knowing I have a father that truly loves me.

There is nothing I can do to go back and undo the tragedy of being born into such a terribly selfish circumstance. I have no idea what kind of damage it caused me because I have no idea what I’d be like if I had that love I so desperately needed as a child.

So what do I do? Continue to stand still? Run away and start over? I need more help than I think anyone could ever give me.